A Journey of A Confused Engineer

The result that changed nothing

The examination result did not affect me much, but it certainly affected my father.

I had not secured a decent enough rank to get admission into any of the prestigious engineering colleges in India. I had appeared only for IIT and AIEEE.

My father and I had quite similar academic histories, although our relationship with rank was very different. He had rarely seen anything below the first rank. For me, rank was almost a myth. I had never secured the first position anyway.

After finishing my snacks and a couple of cups of tea, I continued avoiding a conversation with my father.

But who can really avoid a father?

He was the one who told me not to waste another year preparing for the entrance examination. He did not doubt my capability. He knew that I was a bright student.

The problem was that I was always lost somewhere inside my own thoughts.

Eighteen, and already confused

I was a thinker. Actually, I was an overthinker.

In 2006, I was about to turn eighteen, the legal age to cast a vote. Yet I was completely confused about what I wanted to do with my life.

Perhaps that was the problem with having too many interests.

I was good at games and sports. I had an athletic body. I followed current affairs, modern science and ancient India. I enjoyed understanding different subjects.

But instead of making my life easier, all these interests somehow made decision making more difficult.

I could not decide what I wanted to become.

Doctor, engineer or something else?

My mother wanted me to become a doctor, preferably a heart specialist. My mathematics was relatively weak, and of course, the social respect associated with being a doctor was another reason.

I liked the profession. But I was always sensitive towards animals, including humans. The thought of killing or performing operations on any species did not appeal to me.

That left me with a couple of other options.

The universal option was engineering. There were plenty of engineering colleges in India. If you needed a degree, there was no shortage of options.

Exposure, however, was another question.

Another possibility was to study Literature and History in an Arts college. My parents themselves had multiple degrees across different streams of Arts.

But at that time, studying Arts was not exactly aligned with the social expectations around us.

The decision to leave home

Let us go back to that evening.

My father did not scold me for failing to secure a good rank. He understood me.

He had seen and observed me since childhood. He knew that I had a rational and creative mind, but he also knew that I could be hopelessly unrealistic.

After some discussion, I finally decided to study engineering. I had an affinity towards robots and automobile engineering, so it seemed like a reasonable choice.

But I had one condition.

It was not because there were no good colleges in my home state. I simply wanted to experience something different.

Until then, Southern India was something I had mostly heard about or read about.

Ironically, I had grown up eating cake, bread and dosa from places such as Madras Coffee House and Cochin Bakery in my hometown. Yet I had never really explored Southern India.

Bangalore, finally

My parents were going through a difficult period involving some legal and professional complications.

I was still wondering whether I should actually leave home.

But I have always respected the heart of a father.

Somehow, my father managed everything and got me admission into a college near Bangalore.

There is a story behind how I got admitted, but let us skip that one.

It was the first week of November 2006. Around twenty five classes were already over in the first semester when I joined.

College life was not exactly what I had imagined.

It was not good.

It was not bad either.

It was simply different.

Somehow, I completed my engineering and eventually secured a job that I never really wanted to join.

The job everyone wanted

I still remember walking out of the placement cell.

I could see the disappointment on the faces of some of my batchmates. For many of them, that job represented everything they had been working towards.

It made me realise something.

There is nothing wrong with that.

Everyone has a different journey, different responsibilities and different definitions of success.

I am sure all my batchmates eventually embarked on their own journeys and are living their lives in their own ways.

The three rupee lesson

You have probably heard, read and watched enough stories about engineering college life.

My story is not very different.

But there is one incident I would like to remember.

A graduate on paper

June 2010.

I formally became a graduate.

There is an interesting meaning associated with the Sanskrit word connected to graduation:

I was a graduate on paper.

But had I really imbibed the knowledge?

Remember the confused guy?

Yes, he was still there.

Just with a few more years added to his age.

The beginning of my corporate journey

I returned home after several years.

What I found was a proud mother and a father who was still sceptical about my decision.

He was not wrong.

He did not want me to waste my time and wanted me to reconsider my choices.

But once again, I did not listen.

I joined one of the largest IT companies in Asia and boarded a train for Bengaluru. From there, I took a bus to Trivandrum for my initial training.

Around the same time, I had appeared for an ISRO interview in Bangalore for the position of Scientist. I had secured a good written rank and the interview went well.

I was expecting a call from ISRO, but unfortunately I was placed on the waiting list.

Instead of sitting idle, I decided to join the company. After all, four years of engineering had gone into getting there.

The first shock

It was July 2010 when my father wanted me to prepare for a competitive examination.

My father himself had been a brilliant student and had cleared several competitive examinations. Eventually, he settled in education and became an educationist.

He had also had an opportunity to serve Oxford University in Literature, but he chose India and stayed back.

He wanted to clear a prestigious examination himself, but by then he had become overage while completing his law degree.

He never wanted to impose his thoughts on me.

But he knew my behaviour and attitude.

Perhaps he simply knew what was best suited for me.

I was not meant for this profession

Within a couple of days of joining training, I had a strange realisation.

Neither my thoughts nor my attitude were aligned with it. Ambition was not even part of the equation.

One of the trainers had already realised that I was somewhere else mentally.

He once told me:

For him, it was sarcasm.

For me, it was simply the truth.

The gravity of Earth seemed to be acting directly on my eyelids.

I mean, who organises a class at seven in the morning to teach OOP concepts?

Failing for the first time

As a result, my training period was extended.

I failed.

It was the first time in my life that I had failed an examination.

I had a feeling that it was intentional, but anyway.

The failure was a shock.

It mentally shattered me.

Failing an examination itself did not hurt me as much as the feeling that I had wasted precious years of my life.

And whenever life is not going your way, there is always someone ready to offer free advice.

I never particularly enjoyed that part.

Bangalore was waiting

Somehow, I managed to clear the training and got Bangalore as my first posting.

I wanted Bangalore.

I loved the city.

Joining the office felt like entering a completely different world.

My first job looked glamorous from the outside.

But glamour without substance does not last very long.

At least I had started learning one important thing.

Awards, work and office politics

I tried my best to become a good employee.

I worked hard, tried to become smarter and participated in productive activities.

Perhaps I did too much for a fresher.

Within nine months, I had received three awards, including an opportunity to attend a conference at Apple Inc. for my white paper:

A couple of innovative suggestions were later implemented. Some similar ideas were also implemented by other organisations.

One of those ideas involved virtual image generation of a caller. At the time, I was thinking about what might eventually become possible with future generations of communication technology.

I was only nine months into my career.

Not everyone appreciated it.

Some seniors seemed uncomfortable with me. They tried different ways to keep me engaged in situations where they could find mistakes, criticise me or play office politics.

I want to make one thing clear.

I am not saying every senior was like that.

But a fresher needs support from experienced people who can help build a path for the future.

Sometimes the real world teaches you something very different.

When recognition does not always mean recognition

My rating was reduced.

My awards were not considered because they were apparently not aligned with the so called organisational goals.

I also did not receive the prize associated with one of my awards, an Apple iPad Air.

One gentleman, who happened to be the Customer Relationship Manager, told me that they could not send the iPad by mail.

Was that rude?

I thought it was.

I told him that I wished he could find a better solution.

I may have been rude too.

Looking back, perhaps the whole incident was much bigger in my head than it needed to be.

It was just an iPad.

But it was an award from Apple Inc., and at that time, especially with Steve Jobs still alive, it felt valuable.

Changing organisations

Eventually, I resigned and joined another organisation.

You need a job to survive in Bangalore, whether you like it or not.

Over the years, I switched organisations every few years because, for me, many things started looking similar.

Big brands, onsite travel and corporate glamour were not enough to keep me interested.

Office politics and differences of opinion existed everywhere.

One thing I noticed was that when people do not have enough meaningful work, when accountability is weak and when people are not kept engaged, an idle mind can easily turn towards politics.

That can eventually damage an organisations culture.

I did not hate the corporate world.

I did not love it either.

It was simply a matter of preference.

The people who made it worthwhile

But there was always a brighter side.

Good people exist everywhere.

People who understand you.

People who have empathy.

People who support you when you need it.

I met a couple of such people during the latter half of my career at IBM. I also met a gentleman at Accenture who left a similar impression.

The decision to stop

A few months ago, I resigned.

The nature of the job had become demanding and required too much energy.

It was draining.

I needed a break to rejuvenate myself and, more importantly, to figure out what I wanted to do next.

This is only a personal opinion.

It may not work for everyone.

Take a pause. Then make a move.

Neither our lives nor our decisions should be limited by a single definition of success.

The modern world gives us a huge number of opportunities, and it is still evolving.

I often believe that sometimes the best thing we can do is simply take a pause.

A few things I learned

I am still a novice, and I have no intention of giving anyone wisdom.

These are simply a few things I have learned during my corporate journey.